3 Boys and a Mom - Diary of a Tagteam

UGH!!! I know life is supposed to have ups and downs but just how much can a person really take??? I am soo stressed right now I am one tight ball of nerves... Work is not going well at the moment - I am having issues w/one of the people there and they are blowing it all out of porportion and of course I am getting the short end of the stick again... Please everyone say an extra prayer for me because this is NOT what I need right now... I am really starting to feel like it's 3 steps forward 2 steps back... So please just pray that all works out for me as I attempt to resolve things.... Other then that things are going ok... Deven is still having issues at school but apparently he had a good day on Friday - teacher didn't send home the book we send back and forth so I am not sure but he did get to pick a prize from the Treasure Chest so I guess that's a good thing... Dilen is just as ornery as ever and man his energy level rivals Deven's which has always been off the scale... I am tired... Very tired - I learned this week I am going to have to tape any shows that start at or after 9 to watch at a later time as I can't stay up past 9:30-10 anymore and be able to get up and fully function at 6-6:30am.... But other then all that things are trucking along fine.... Til next time, just keep praying for us....

Did someone get the tag of the truck that ran me over and then backed up???

Man I feel like crap this morning.... I managed to sleep from about 8pm til 6am and while all the sleep felt great I am very stiff and just ugh this morning.... Not to mention there is a breeze cutting thru the kitchen/living room - wonder if mom didn't put a hole in the plastic over the wall of windows in kitchen while putting up the new shades the other day.... *sigh* Just another little chore for me to do sometime today.... I am going into the day office today for a few hours to even out the hours since I won't be working Sunday night - I hate the day office.... Just need to start getting the boys moving here shortly and ready for school.... Deven's bus comes in just over an hr and then Dilen will need to be driven to school.... The dog is whining at me - not sure if she is telling me she wants more breakfast or to go out - it's freezing out there so I am hoping she doesn't want to go out.... but since her dance is moving steadily to the front door I guess she does... or maybe not!!!

A few of my friends have been talking about their hobbies... one sews, one is painting, another blogger I read paints and posts her wonderful, creative works... I have read others talk of their creative outlets.... It all has me wanting to pull out all my ceramic molds and paints, take inventory and start making something.... I have a plthera (sp?) of porcelain body parts stashed away that could be assembled at some point and I know there is a bunch of ceramic bisque in the shed too.... But that I won't be able to get to until spring as I need to purge all of E's crap and filing system in there first.... I do have a bucket of ornaments I could start on and get a jump start on Xmas.... Oh my that would be wonderful - to be so far ahead of the game for this year.... I miss painting, I miss going to the shop to pour and fire my pieces, I miss having a little time to myself.... I do think I am going to start painting again... it's something I can do when the boys are having visitation.... I really need to find more time for ME....

Well my youngest just woke up and came out into LR... as he entered the room I called "HEY" from across the room - he gave a little jumpy start!! *L* Not used to mommy being home when he gets up!!! Well now that they are both up I guess it's time to gather the clothes, pour breakfast and get us all moving.... And btw if anyone got the tag number of that truck please let me know!!! Til next time....

UGH!! Deven is making major steps backwards at school this month... He's getting more distracted and squirmy, he's much more easily frustrated and sad... He's much more emotional and losing control of himself... But he won't talk to me... I have tried and tried... I guess I will need to ask the doc about the name of a therapist when we go next week.... I know part of it is dealing w/the divorce and E leaving... part is the confusion of the double parenting btwn me and mom (I talked to mom today and asked her to back off a bit - she agreed... TG although I fear she is brewing on it and will end up telling me she won't come back!! We just have to deal with this for another month or so - that's only about 3 or 4 wks of mom actually being here.) I don't know what else do to with him... I am sure that he's just a mass of confusion and emotion and doesn't know how to handle it all.... I wish I could just wave a magic wand and make it all go away and be better for him and us.... This is all just so frustrating and tiring..... Til next time...

So I updated the look a bit - can ya guess what I did?? BTW still would love to have someone give me the code to add the date back into the byline of my entries... anyone?? Til next time....

MEN SUCK!!!!

I suck more for letting myself find out men suck!!!

On a positive note I went to Barnes and Noble today while boys were visiting w/E.... Picked up "Codependent No More"... It was recommended to me ages ago and I finally picked it up - I am already up to Chpt 4.... it's easy reading and man is it an eye opener so far... I can see that it's a book I am gonna be reading a few times in the near future... Til next time...

I have been in a major funk lately about posting on the message boards I frequent.... Today I just read a post that definately will have me shying away from the boards and most chatting for a while... I am feeling completely selfish at the moment and finding it very hard to be happy for my fellow sisters.... Esp those just recently discovering/announcing they are expecting... it's just a too painful a reminder of what's not to be for now for me... I still ache for the child I should have now and desparately want to be pg again and have another.... it's just not in the cards for me right now... I am coming to terms with that, I know it's not permanent but still it stings.... For now I am going into a self exile to mourn... I am not going to be reaching out to those I normally chat with - not saying I am going to slap them away if they reach out to me but I am not going to be the reaching.... I need time to heal and the realization that I am not superwoman and it's not going to happen overnight is suddenly dawning on me... Til next time...

You know you are having a bad day when you start to cry watching Dr Phil with the MUPPETS!!! I am just not having a jolly time lately... Til next time...

I really really hate my life.... Just seems like it's filled with nothing but crap - from the stack of bills and van issues (Yes folks it's going back to shop tomorrow) to Deven having a rough time to me feeling like a completely incompetent human lately I hate my life....

And the worst part - I really feel like I have so few friends I can turn to and talk/complain/lean on about it all... Yes I have a few wonderful friends via the internet but some of them have issues far worse if not equal to mine and I have no right to bitch to them but I really don't have many f2f people I can turn to locally.... The VERY few I do have I feel so disconnected from - even more so now that I am not married - I mean what do we really have in common anymore???

Add to all of that self pity that Valentine's Day SUCKED!!! You know how I spent it??? Driving to/from Maryland w/2 overly whiney boys while we went and got my mom... I had no one to send me "sweet nuthin's" or cuddle with me or even send an ecard telling me I was thought of... Hell even the boys blew me off - Deven made a card and little candy gift for DADDY!! While I thrilled that Deven did that it still made me feel left out (even though the teacher added "Mom &" to the front of the "Dad I love you" sentence Deven wrote in his card!! That sorta ticked me off cause she knows there isn't a "me & E" anymore!!) I know things will get better but right now I really miss human companionship and touch.... I wanna sit and talk w/another adult (other then mom whom has issues with the way I am raising my sons) and make plans for the future even if it's only plans for a few months from now or even next week.... I want to be able to make a date and actually be able to GO on it without worrying about who's gonna watch the boys and if they are gonna behave, etc... I wanna sit with girlfriends and chat about life, children, men, etc and not feel out of touch with reality or like a fifth wheel... And most of all right now - I wanna be able to know that someday I WILL find the right person and all of my dreams will come true.... But right now I can't even start/stay on a diet like South Beach or Dr Phil with my wacky schedule and wacky kids.... Plus I am so tired physically.... Btwn being tired and being lonely I don't even want to get out of bed in the mornings lately.... I think I am just having a pity party week so pardon me while I cry in my drink for a bit..... I need a good sob.... Til next time...

Well we got the valentine's done last night - Deven wrote all of his out - both to and from names - I am soo proud of him!! Dilen wrote his name on all of his and I filled in the TO names... I completed all the Lollipop Heart Flowers for both boys - sent Deven's in with him today - Dilen's go in tomorrow... Then while I was at the school for Deven's award I dropped off the heart vases filled w/candy hearts and a silk rose for the teachers....

And speaking of the award - Deven got an ACADEMICS award!!! I am sooo proud of him - he wore his suit (shirt, vest, pants and clip on tie) to school and looked sooo handsome!! YES I even got pics of him this morning in the suit.... Of course I also feel like the world's WORST mommy cause I totally missed the ceremony (not that is was all that since I caught part of the 3rd and 4th graders one) thinking it was at 9:30.... turns out it was at 9!!!! *sigh* I really feel bad that I let Deven down - I promised I would be there!! But I went to his classroom and he was THRILLED to see me and showed me his award - gave me a couple of big hugs and kisses and seemed fine but I still feel HORRIBLE I missed it all.... I'll have to do something special for him tonight for dinner time... I am making cupcakes for Dilen's class party tomorrow - maybe I will make them a little early and let each have one for dessert...

Work isn't so bad today but it's almost over - I am leaving in an hour because my car parts are in and I want to go put them in before Deven gets home from school.... Not too much else going on today - just the usual stuff - I am coping but still feel like I am on the verge of a major sobbing breakdown - perhaps I need to just take a little time for myself and just let it all out..... I read the ladies on my message board telling me how strong I am and comment in general about not knowing how single moms do it and I am think - Why do they think that about me?? I so wanna scream - WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING/WAS I THINKING??? I can't do this! I feel like I am not being a good mom and I certainly don't think I am gonna be able to continue on like this w/the boys and just me.... Then I think about the way things were - I can NOT NOT NOT go back to that again - I was soo unhappy in my life and marriage and I wasn't really even a real person most of the time but I also read about the lives of others and think - how can they think I am soo busy/overwhelmed when some of them are facing issues even larger/more serious then mine.... But I am finally starting to feel good about ME and I know the boys are happier even if they don't realize it yet - things are definately much calmer in the house these days for the most part.... Although Deven I think is finally realizing/experiencing/feeling all the events of the past month and half... He's been easily frustrated, slightly withdrawn, short tempered and there is a slightly sad look on his face - even his teacher is noticing it... I have told him repeatedly I love him and he can talk to me about ANYTHING that's bothering him - when I asked he did say he is sad and/or mad but he can't tell me exactly what is making him feel that way.... Hopefully we can work things out together.... Me I am just gonna continue to do the best I can for all of us while I try to discover who *I* really am again.... Well it's back to the grind stone for a bit longer... Til next time...

You ever just have one of those days where nothing seems to be right?? I am having one today! Nothing seems to feel right today... I really hate the day office, people here are so unhappy and it just oozes into the air around here... Add to that I just wish I was someplace else - like home cleaning even and the whole day just feels off... I am leaving early but not early enough cause I am dying to get out of here.... Add to that it's very windy and cold out - a reminder that yesterday's wonderful weather was a fluke for this time of year and I guess I am getting a case of the winter doldrums... Dilen gave me a hard time this morning get dressed for school, we all slept a little late and I just feel blah... not even reading my favorite message board is holding my interest today... Well I guess I better see what sort of work I find to do for the next hour til I can leave... Til next time...

*sigh* Ok mom is tucked safely back in her place in MD for the week, the boys had a nice visit w/Daddy on Sat - they played and had fun...

Yesterday we vegged when we got home from MD - it was a nice afternoon and we were all out cold by 9pm...

Today I went to court for the follow up on the Judge's orders that E get help for his drinking... The report from the court guy was FILLED w/misinformation and CRAP that E fed him but he put in it that E told him what he wanted to hear and if he doesn't show that he IS getting help they can force him into a residential or such type program... E has til April 12th to show the court proof he's seeking and actively participating in getting help for his drinking.... Til then the visits remain supervised by his friend and only in public places and at my discretion... He DID make a huge fuss about wanting his bike out of the shed... even told the judge it was more important to him then getting help or the boys - what a warped sense of reality the man has.... He did supply his cell phone so the boys can call him instead of him calling my house... I'll let them call tomorrow, we were out picking up prescriptions and such tonight....

Then on the way home from court I stopped at the new WalMart that is only about 10 min from me..... It's really nice - got a few things for the house and looked at a new digi cam since Daddy took mine back to Korea with him - now to convince him to send me $$ to buy it! *L* It's only $125 but a nice little Fujifilm Digi....

Deven had a good day at school and even brought home a paper that says he's getting an award at school on Thurs... I can't wait to go see what it is.... He's excited and I am sooo proud of him!!!

Well the boys are fighting AGAIN and getting cranky since it's almost bed time... Til next time...

And the hits just keep on COMING!!! SO - I got my tax refund today - doled most of it out to pay bills, etc.... Then I head out to get 2 new tires and an alignment.... Cost me $107 for all of it BUT then I find out I need engine mounts.... WTF???? ARRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG Like can life just get ANY better??? Guy at shop doing alignment says it's gonna be a couple of hundred.... SOOOOOO I come home and think a few min.... where am I gonna get a couple hundred bucks NOW??? ARRRRGGG

SOOOO I do a quick google on the engine mount parts and find them for a good price - this I find out after calling around to a few parts stores here in the area.... GREAT!!! I'll order them and perhaps go over to the auto shop and do them myself - they aren't really that hard to do.... it's not like I haven't done hefty auto repairs before by myself... Then I remember that my friend had her engine replaced for only $300 - what's the guy's number??? I call her and get it - call him - he can do it - will only take MAYBE 2 hours and he can do it later this week when I get the parts... YEAH!!! Of course there goes ANY chance of putting even $200 away in savings... But atleast I got everything paid up to date and now the car is gonna be fixed and will run much better!! Mom WILL be coming back to watch the boys - my friend can't watch the boys..... Well it's only for 6 more weeks of actual nights btwn now and mid April as they will have made the slots permanent by them and I will take days.... I am gonna pay her $50 for watching the boys......

E wants to see the boys tomorrow - 2 hrs after bowling at McDonalds.... And he's waived his 2K buyout of the trailer in leiu of having his child support paid in full thru April.... that should help him get on his feet as he won't have to pay me the $500/mo til May.... Keeping fingers crossed the visit goes well...

So to recap - my week has been good but shitty! *L* So much going on... I am tired - not sleeping well this week but a relief to have the bills caught up and things starting to run smoothly..... Well it's off to get dinner rolling - Til next time....

ARRGGGGGG and now my comments aren't working - BLOGOUT from the KLINK family is out of commission indefinately and all I did was delete the line for that comment system... now my enetations isn't working!!! Guess I better try redoing the code.... UGH!!! So I get my comments working and I lose my byline - some PLEASE help!!!!! I need the original generic coding to put back the time, etc.... Til next time....

Just when you think you have reached rock bottom!!!!

SOOOO got a call today around noon - it was E's middle man wanting to set up a meet w/boys this Saturday... I was busy so mom took a message and I called back a bit later and left a message to call me... They call back later and E gets on phone w/mom - E wants to talk to me but he can't even email me at this point... Tells mom he doesn't want to see the boys and will talk to me in court... WTF???? I don't understand what's going on and what pisses me off more is that my mom is getting involved so I am getting info 2nd hand - mom is not always the most reliable to pass on info but I am not supposed to know he called and talked to her..... Add to that she already makes the occassional snippy comment about E that pisses me off cause I am trying NOT to do that for the sake of the boys...

Then - not a FUCKING clue where it came from tonight but mom starts yelling at me and attacking my parenting skills so we end up arguing and now mom tells me she is NOT coming back to watch the boys after I take her home Sunday.... WTF is that??? How am I supposed to work if she's not gonna help me out... I am totally clueless what the fuck went wrong with mom that she's in such a pissy mood suddenly... Just the stress I needed on top of everything else... She says she will help me pay for someone to come watch the boys every other week which is just great but where do I find someone to do that??? ARRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

Well perhaps it is for the better... I wasn't overly happy with the way she was handling the boys and parenting over me anyway.... But man it sure puts me in a pickle w/working nights.... I am soo aggrevated right now I just wanna cry and hide away in my bed forever....

Then poor Deven is apparently cycling thru a manic upswing as he was still up at 12 when I left for work and I can only PRAY he went to sleep like I told him to.... And Dilen is coughing and snoring from congestion in his sleep and Deven is starting to run warm and tells me his ears hurt - he even went to the nurse at school.... when it rains it pours.... and pours and pours and pours - gee did hurricane season start already?? I just can't win - hell I can't even break even at this point in my life.... Well I need to get a little rest.... Til next time....

Sorry I am in a funk - besides all the crappy weather - it's cold and snowy and bitter out (GAWD I need spring!) I just can't seem to get interested in much of anything all the sudden...

I got the van back but still waiting for the refund from the warranty co - my computer has been on the fritz... could be the monitor, could be the video card - who knows... but it's driving me nuts cause it's not being very dependable and of course I just don't have the $$ to fix it.... Plus mom is here for the week now...

The bills are piling up and I just feel like I am drowning... Plus I have been watching Dr Phil and I really really want to get on the Booty Camp band wagon but w/my wacky schedule I I can have a good week when I am on days only to have it thrown to hell the weeks I am on nights... Plus I am dealing with some emotional issues as a result of the divorce - like will I ever date again, will I ever find a good man, will I have more children - but right now I having trouble thinking past who would want me even if I could get out there and meet people.... Plus I just feel no real connections to anyone - I have some friends that live locally but I always feel out of place or a fifth wheel and just never feel like I am connecting well with them... I long for friendship and yet I am not sure how to reach out and ask for it... Seems like there is so much I need to do or want to do and I am having a hard time working thru one thing at a time... It's all piling up and I am feeling overwhelmed...

Dilen goes for his first eval w/the psychiatrist on the 13th... Deven is having a rough time at the moment and we are trying to deal w/the anxiety.... You know somedays I am not even sure what is normal or out of place w/the boys behaviors.... I know they have been acting "off" but not much more then usual and yet if I really look it IS more then usual... Me?? I feel like a lump on the couch that is about to burst into tears at any moment...

BUT ANYWAY... I didn't mean for this to turn into a pity party.... I have a question though about blog edicate (sp?) - should you return the favor of a link??? You know - if someone adds you to their list of recommendations/favorites are you obligated to add them to yours??? Also does anyone know a site/program where I can translate to English???

Well it's off to finish up my work for the night and try to stay awake... Til next time...